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So how about some economic news? I know it sounds boring, but it’s important. But also, Larry Kudlow is here and we have to justify the car service and the free meal. Those frozen pizza rolls add up, not to mention the back rub I just gave him in my office. You know, Larry, how about shaving that jungle once in a while? Your magnetism is overpowering.
Alright, so inflation is bad. It’s really bad. Prices are still up 10% from last year with Dallas, the Twin Cities and Baltimore suffering the biggest increases. It’s so bad in Texas that Fort Worth is now Fort Worthless. It’s so bad in Dallas, a 10-gallon hat now holds only eight. The Twin Cities added a third city to cover the rent. And Baltimore? Well, Baltimore sucks. I mean, does it matter?
But how bad is it across the board? Well, have you had breakfast lately? At bed and breakfast, it costs more for the eggs benedict than the bed. Couples are saving up for a weekend getaway to Denny’s. But after witnessing high egg prices, Americans are now opting to raise their own chickens to avoid the pain in the wallet. It’s true. I’m sitting on three nests in my office alone for a variety of reasons. The price for a carton of eggs is up 60% year over year, according to the latest Consumer Price Index. If this trend continues all the way to Halloween, vandals will throw something less expensive, like iPhones. But eggs are just one example out of a ton of items that eat further into Americans’ budgets than they did a few years ago.
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Meanwhile, 8 million Americans are living paycheck to paycheck, and they make more than a hundred grand a year, which used to be the income threshold for living the American Dream, or for Kat to return a guy’s calls. So how is this possible? Well, it’s something called inflation, which eats away at your earnings like Ana Navarro through a graham cracker crust. I’m sorry, Ana. You’re my new Stelter. For now, anyway. We’ll see how it works out. If it doesn’t work out, I’m dumping you.
So your paycheck will say one thing, but the store shelves and the gas pump just laughs. In Joe Biden’s economy, your pay stub is shrinking like your junk in a cold plunge. It’s a man’s joke. Meanwhile, gas prices have jumped for five straight weeks and like Pelosi’s eyebrows, unlikely to drop soon. You know, that’s bad news for Larry. He bathes every morning in Sunoco 2000 and the ethanol keeps his coat shiny and clean.
And what’s our president up to? I mean, other than reading at a fourth-grade level? Good question. While our economy is going to hell in a Prius, he’s touting e-vehicle tax credits, tweeting out an old pic of him in a luxury Hummer from 2021. FYI, it happens to be a vehicle that gets one wheel revolution to the gallon. Way to lead by example, stupid. And high gas prices? He doesn’t mind those. He’s got the key to Amtrak.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: Anytime I see a train door open, I head for it. I used to about 15% of the time, ride with the engineers — for real. And I’m the only guy that I’m aware of, when I stopped riding Amtrak, that had a key to get in the back.
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That’s a great story, Grandpa. Tell us more, like how the Pan-Am pilots used to let you fly the plane blindfolded when you were 12, and how you once steered a homemade submarine from Okinawa to Palm Springs and Corn Pop was your first mate. Or about that three-hour tour on that little yacht with Gilligan? How about it, Joe?
FAKE BIDEN: Nobody rides Amtrak like me, man. Nobody. And I got my special key. This is my own special seat, man. Nobody else’s. It’s all mine. You know why? Because I got my key. This is my special room. Nobody knows about it except me, man. It’s all mine. It’s another place I get a lot of work done. You know why? Because I have the key.
That was beautiful. With leadership like that, it’s no surprise that Americans are fed up with the government and inflation. A new Gallup poll, the kind conducted by horses, finds that more Americans named the government as the nation’s top problem with inflation coming in second place. So this shouldn’t be surprising to anyone who took a basic econ class… But it’s pretty simple. You print lots of money, money becomes less valuable, so you need more of it to pay for stuff. There were sensible people pointing out the folly of all this, but they were outnumbered. And not just by Democrats, but Republicans, too. They threw so much cash around, drunken sailors got concerned.
But to be fair, how much choice did they have? During COVID, if you didn’t say yes to every so-called solution or plan, you were deemed evil. I didn’t mind because I’ve been called evil since that time my head spun completely around during my baptism. But if you raised any objections to moratoriums on rent or trillions in stimulus, it was clear you wanted people to live on the streets or die from disease. So we can point fingers at Joe, we can point fingers at Trump. But we’ve also got to look in the mirror. We made this bed of worthless money and we’ve got to lie in it. Just think of it as an orgy with former presidents, and when we wake up, there won’t be any eggs for breakfast.